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What is there to say? I'm not very interesting. I'm not a good writer. I don't even dress well. If you insist on knowing something about me just wander through the archives. It's all there.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

On my fruitless search for the perfect platitude: a year's worth of notes to self

"Someday, I'll find it", (head thrown back, Mad Scientist laugh) "Ah ha ha ha...yes, E-gor, the world most horrendous homily - then I and only I, ha ha, will dominate every embroidered sampler, quotation crawler, and bumper sticker in the universe…”

The Universe is like an SUV. It takes a lot of energy to get it running and it is difficult to park.

My writing process is effortless in much the same way that diarrhea is effortless. The results are also similar.

Life is a polish sausage, tubular and filled with animal by-products.

Cell Phones: God's way of selling car insurance.

The urge for healthy living is powerless in the face of a double chocolate donut.

The main reason that men just don't get "it" is because women just don't want us to know about "it"; hence, their use of the undefined "it" to describe "it".

Note while walking through the department store: Any cologne or perfume that can be sampled from more than twelve feet away is probably a poor choice.

If tomatoes really are a fruit, why do they taste so bad when you put them in Jell-O?

A man has not sexually matured until he can unfasten a bra strap with one hand. If he is wearing the bra at the time, he may be dexterous, but his maturity has indeed taken an "interesting" turn.

"De-regulation" is just nature's way of saying, "Thanks for the campaign contribution!"

First Rule of Picnicking: When you suspect that there may be a direct relationship between the bird in the tree overhead and the amount of mayonnaise on your sandwich, it is best to proceed cautiously.

The pain of downsizing is only felt in the lower extremities.

If you want your restaurant chain to develop a reputation for fine dining, do not name it, "Hooters".

Any typos entered into the address bar of your browser will automatically send you to a porn site.

"Enlightened self-interest" is another name for politics, except without the enlightened part.

Cat Feeding Time is unaffected by the change from Daylight Savings Time.

The chance that your teenager is listening to you is inversely proportional to the importance of what you have to say.

"Last Chance" as it applies to renewing a magazine subscription is the industry code for "This is the first of one hundred and ninety seven pieces of mail that you will receive in the coming weeks."

One of the great mysteries of life: What do you do with a finished coloring book?

I have never met anyone who was named after a mid-sized city.

I can sum up the government's solution for this winter's high heating bills into two words, "Be Cold". And to think that all this time the answer to world hunger was right in front of us, tell all the starving people to just "Be Hungry".

Really smart people don't get elected. Really honest people don't get re-elected.

Newscasters always say, "a frantic call to 911". Is "frantic" the only adjective that one can officially put in front of the phrase "call to 911"?

"Stupid" may be "as stupid does" but "Really stupid usually requires waiting for a lengthy report from an independent commission."

"Breathless" would be good euphemism for "Dead".

Someday they will find a drug to cure people who feel the compulsion to fold up their clean underwear. It will eventually be found to cause heart attacks.

Life is like a video game, except that you only get one life, no special powers, and the bosses are pretty much invincible.

If God really wanted us to exercise, he would have given us all gym memberships.

"Yes, stupid sayings…mine, all mine, ah, ha ha…ha…ha hah...ha. (cough)."

4 Comments:

Blogger Glory said...

Some day I'll introduce you to my friend, South Bend Indiana Smith.

4/12/05 8:57 PM  
Blogger HCaldwell said...

PCSLWHTTOS [Puzzled Cocker Spaniel Look With Head Tipped To One Side]

4/12/05 9:47 PM  
Anonymous Glory said...

...named after a mid-sized city...

I guess it would have made more sense if I'd mentioned my other friend, Kalamazoo Jones.

4/12/05 10:28 PM  
Blogger HCaldwell said...

"Ah" LBTOO [Light Bulb Turning On Overhead]
I did have to ponder whether or not I have ever met a Charlotte, Casper, Buford, or Addison. Virginia was a question mark, but I don't know any Virginia whose middle name is City, so I figured that I was safe.

5/12/05 2:32 PM  

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