On the Big Bang

I saw a news item yesterday. Scientists have now discovered astronomical data to support the Big Bang Theory. In addition, they are now certain that the universe will continue to expand forever. This brings to mind a number of unanswered questions.

If the universe continues to expand forever, how will we get our mail forwarded?

Did the universe really start with a “big bang” if there was no one around to hear it?

Was there ever a “little bang”?
Or a “really big bang”?
Were there any duds?

Why are scientist convinced it was a bang?
Why not a bong?
Or a klunk?
Or a resounding thud?
Maybe, it was just an embarrassing fart noise?

If the universe expanded to most of its present size in less than a trillionth of second, why does it still take five days to get your cable fixed?

Now that we apparently know that the universe started with the “Big Bang”, what exactly do we intend to do about it?