On why I may cancel my newspaper subscription

The sidebar headlines on the front page of the paper this morning were “Communicating with the dead may be possible” and “Witches tend to be enchanting in popular culture.”

I have read these headlines before. They were in bold type on the black and white ad page in the back of a comic book that I was reading. I was twelve. "Journalism has certainly come a long way since those days", I thought dripping with sarcasm. I can hardly wait for tomorrow’s edition of the paper. Surely, then I will learn about x-ray glasses that will let me see through clothing. Or read a biting expose about the fun and profit involved in raising chinchillas. Perhaps, I, too, can have an exciting career operating heavy machinery.