On unworthy thoughts of unspeakable cruelty

I want to put “Please Use Other Door” signs on all the doors.

I want to teach a young child that Q is the first letter of the alphabet.

I want to randomly rearrange the shelf-mounted price tags.

I want to take out a million dollar live insurance policy on myself payable to a complete stranger and then die under suspicious circumstances.

I want to buy my nephew an electric guitar for Christmas.

I want to pipe Pink Floyd’s “Careful With That Axe, Eugene” into a hospital operating room.

I want to put a sign up on my street that says, “Slow Children Playing”.

I want to fill out thousands of marketing surveys identifying a white male friend as a bi-racial Female Visigoth/Inuit who is ninety-two years old and is interested in buying replacement windows.

I want to sneak into my parent’s house and re-wire the television so that MTV is on all the channels.

I want to buy cases of canned okra for the annual charity food drive.

I want to publish a book of tell-all interviews with men who have suffered from “erections that lasted over four hours and needed medical attention.”

I want to purchase 25 cents worth of gas 80 times in a row at the same gas station.

I want to go to court on a traffic ticket and convince the court clerk that I only speak Ancient Latin and will need a translator.

I want to buy a large farm and grow only ragweed.

I want to design an electronic voting machine that argues with you about your choices.

I want to eat a bag of multi-colored gummy worms on the way to a dentist appointment.

I want to put out a want ad that’s looking for someone who has “3 to 5 years of experience answering want ads”

I want to go on Jerry Springer and spend an hour calmly discussing my stable relationships, my happy childhood and the quiet, ordinary nature of my daily existence.

I want to write a computer virus that deletes all the other computer viruses and then makes it impossible to uninstall the anti-virus software already on your computer.

I want to convince someone that it would be a great idea to name his or her infant daughter, Stinky Anthrax.

I want to sell a clock radio that is designed to randomly go off two later than the alarm set time.

I want to call Microsoft and tell them that some kid just hit a baseball through my Windows and can they tell me about how much it would cost to fix it.

I want to vote Republican in the next election.