What is there to say? I'm not very interesting. I'm not a good writer. I don't even dress well. If you insist on knowing something about me just wander through the archives. It's all there.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

On diet books

Go into any bookstore and you will find shelf after shelf of diet books. The range of weight loss strategies they describe is really amazing.

Eat grapefruits. Don’t mix foods that start with consonants. Eat fats. Avoid carbs. Avoid protein. Don’t eat fried foods. Eat beans. Drink dairy, but only on Thursdays. Eat portions only as big as your eyes. Weigh your food. Eat grape seeds. Chew each bite fifteen times. White bread is the tool of Satan. Don’t eat animal protein. Eat green vegetables. Avoid carrots. Eat melons. Avoid blue food. Tofu today, tutu tomorrow. If it doesn’t come in plastic, it isn’t food. Count your points, better living through mathematics. Eat grape nuts. Raisins are good for your colon. Only eat after noon and before midnight. Sing the entire Notre Dame fight song between each bite of your meal. If you haven’t memorized the label, don’t eat it. If it has a label, don’t eat it. Maple syrup is your friend. The new food pyramid is absolutely correct, we were just joking about the earlier one. Never eat in the kitchen. Avoid grapes. If it doesn’t make you have to pee all the time, it isn’t good for you. Eat pine nuts. Avoid peanuts. “Yes, many parts of the pine tree are edible.” Eat grapes. Puree all solid foods. Boil all foods in holy water. Avoid garlic. Curry is THE secret of long life. The three secrets of overnight weight loss – turnips, turnips, and turnips. Radishes rule. Avoid fruit. Count calories, better living through the British thermal unit. Don’t drink water with your meal. Drink your meals. If it doesn’t taste like cardboard, it isn’t food. Don’t eat rye bread. Whole wheat means never having to say you’re sorry. Don’t mix foods. Drink mixed beverages. Beer is one of the major food groups. Eat only our complete line of flavor-free foods. Eat bread, but only toasted to resemble notable religious figures. Remember those grapefruits, avoid them.

I want to write a two-page diet book. Page one will say, “Eat less food”. Page two will say, “Exercise more”. I don’t think I will attract any million dollar book deals.


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