On inventions whose time should never come…

An airline seat with built in handcuffs and shackles

Dirt colored lawn grass

A car that eliminates the middleman by burning US currency directly instead of gas

Transparent luggage

A television remote that fires 45 caliber slugs when tuned to Fox News

Carpeting with the texture and color of cat vomit

A home coffee maker that charges you four dollars for a cup of coffee

Kevlar socks

A beer can with a really sharp point on the bottom (to rid the world of those who like to crush beer cans on their foreheads)

Combination time clock/paper shredder

Magazines that come already outdated, covered with dust and coffee cup stains

Dark brown toilet paper

Storm door glass permanently etched with greasy fingerprints and smudges

Automotive paints in a wide range of bird crap colors and textures

Bio-diesel powered computers

Magnesium fireplace screens

220V combination electric toothbrush/car polisher

Wind-up chain saw

Velcro condoms

Judicial nominee player cards