On cell phone features

My new cell phone has a built-in camera that can take stills or video. I guess I can also play music files on it and, of course, I can do text messaging. Did I really need a telephone that can take pictures, video, send text, or play music? No, I would just like a phone whose buttons are actually usable for those of us with adult sized fingers. I would much rather have a feature on the phone that would call me on the landline and tell me where it was located when I misplaced it.

I wonder whom the first person was who called their cell phone provider and said, “Gee, I really want my telephone to be able to take fuzzy, poor quality digital images. Can you guys do that?” I am curious as to whether any camera owners had ever expressed the desire to carry on lengthy full-duplex conversations on their Polaroid? Why can’t my new refrigerator take pictures, as well? For that matter, why can’t my new cell phone chill down a six-pack?

I won’t be taking any pictures with my cell phone. Nor will I be making movies. Nor will I use it for playing music. Actually, I think text messaging is an obscene waste of time. I will talk on my cell phone. I will certainly misplace it several times a week. I will startle myself into small heart attacks when I use the vibrate feature. I will drop it and cause it to split into three pieces as the battery falls out. I will pull a shoulder muscle grabbing for it when it starts playing the “Brandenburg Concerto” in a quiet meeting room. During the life of my cell phone, I will say “What? WHAT? I CANT UNDERSTAND YOU! Call ME Back!!!” at least a million times.

“Can you hear me now?”

“NO, BUT I CAN TAKE YOUR PORTRAIT, FILM THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE, WRITE YOU A SONNET OR PLAY YOU THE BEATLES' WHITE ALBUM. SORRY, ABOUT THE WARM BEER THOUGH."