On a sample razor

I got a freebie sample razor in the mail. It’s not just a razor. It is the ultimate, shiny, multi-colored, multi-bladed high tech facial hair removal and renovation instrument that will “revolutionize male grooming”. It’s advertising literature implies that it has from 6 to 60 blades, is equipped with nimble rack and pinion steering, has a chin hugging sport suspension, and can shave you in under 9.2 seconds. I’m impressed.

All this technology is wasted on me. I use an old-fashioned, somewhat worn out single bladed razor. I have never even bought a can of shaving cream. I use soap. Even with this stone-age approach to male grooming, unwanted facial hair is effectively removed from my face. I don’t recall ever cutting myself while shaving. My dad even taught me how to use a straight razor. You know, one of those razors that are only used by barbers now. They have been popularized in a number of movies and stage plays as instruments of torture, murder, and mayhem. I don’t think that is why he taught me how to use it. They were way out of date even in his day, but he was a firm believer in passing on everything that his father had taught him. On occasion, I still shave with my straight razor. I probably do it for the same reason that men dress up in Civil War uniforms, shoot blanks at each, and then lay on the ground pretending to be dead. It is a tribute to an earlier time. It is likely sort of fun, as well, reminding them of the times when they used to have dirt clod wars with their neighborhood buddies (the falling down and pretending to be dead part, not the shaving.)

These new razors not only have numerous blades and curvaceous handles, but some are also advertised as being battery powered. I haven’t yet figured out what aspect of a wet razor requires voltage. The way electric shavers work is obvious. A battery powered, multi-bladed wet razor is much more of a mystery to me. It apparently doesn’t spin around (ouch) or move across your face by itself. I would guess that it doesn’t heat the water right on your face (equally ouch). I suppose a set of tiny, little blade mounted headlights might be helpful in some circumstances like shaving during a power blackout in a bathroom without windows or outdoors at night or during a total eclipse of the sun. I can’t say that I would keep one of these razors in my medicine cabinet in order to remain clean shaven during such events.

The television commercial for this particular sample razor suggests that when I am through shaving with it, a beautiful model will spontaneously appear in my bathroom. She will run her hands across my clean shaven cheek while moaning ecstatically. I tried my sample razor this morning. The one that they sent me must be broken.