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Monday, October 24, 2005

On keyboard shortcuts

Keyboard shortcuts, sometime called MouseKeys, were someone’s really good idea.

I use them all the time. I type fairly fast and find that taking my hands off the keyboard to reach for the mouse in mid-thought is an unwelcome interruption. I have memorized the vast majority of the keyboard shortcuts for most of the software that I use.

The most famous keyboard shortcut is the Microsoft three-finger salute (Ctrl+Alt+Del), which is the Windows version of a “Get Out of Jail” card. The cut/copy/paste sequence is a marvel of efficiency. The use of Ctrl+x for cut and Ctrl+c for copy is intuitive and logical. I have never quite figured out the Ctrl+v for paste. I have thought long and hard in an effort to find a word that starts with v that could be a synonym for paste. So far, I have been unsuccessful.

I am such a fan of keyboard shortcuts that I wish that life came with a set of keyboard shortcuts. It would be so great if you could just use a three or four key combination to help you move quickly and efficiently through life’s complicated operations. In just a few minutes, several possible applications came to mind.

Ctrl+x+b+d deletes bad dinner date

Ctrl+b+p silently teleports you away from a group of people with a pile of baby pictures where the words “cute” and “adorable” have been used at least fifteen times within the past fifteen seconds

Ctrl+x+n+p removes today’s newspaper from surface of your desk just before boss comes within visual range of said desk

Ctrl+m+f makes obscene hand gesture at bad driver on expressway
Ctrl+m+(shift)F adds additional unflattering speculation about his mother’s demeanor

Ctrl+u+g cleans the mysterious sticky stuff out of the bottom of cupholders in car

Ctrl+u+h removes guilty sounding stutters from a husband’s protestation of innocence

Ctrl+e+c applies severe electrical shock to any political commentator who uses the words “compassionate” and “conservative” in the same sentence
Ctrl+e+p applies severe electrical shock to any political commentator who uses the words “partisan” and “politics” in the same sentence
Ctrl+e+* applies severe electrical shock to any political commentator just because they’re annoying and they deserve it

Ctrl+v+t+p pastes new toilet paper onto inconveniently empty toilet paper roll

Ctrl+i+c+k inconspicuously feeds creamed corn with tuna casserole to dog under table

Ctrl+m+i+l sends in-laws to the opposite hemisphere of the planet

Ctrl+m+b+2 moves the decimal point two places to the left on any monthly bill
Ctrl+p+c+2 moves the decimal point two places to the right on paycheck

Ctrl+n+l blows leaves back onto neighbor’s unraked lawn

Ctrl+l+b returns overdue library book
Ctrl+Alt+l+b tells the librarian “the only reason that the book was overdue was that it was picked up by recent hurricane force winds and was just recently recovered from a bean field outside of Cleveland”. She buys the story and waives the fine.

Ctrl+m+c smacks teenage son up side of the head for drinking milk directly from the carton

Ctrl+b+h fixes “pillow head” hair

Ctrl+w+c makes cats realize that they don’t really need to be fed by 6 AM on weekends

Ctrl+v+p pastes an extra inch into the waistband and/or seat of any pair of pants
Ctrl+v+p+2 make that two more inches

Ctrl+f+? makes the sounds coming from speaker at fast food drive-thru intelligible

Ctrl+s+t slows car to speed limit just moments before police radar locks on

Ctrl+m+s cleans mud from child’s shoe just before the shoes come in contact with carpet

Ctrl+w+l instantly creates perfect excuse to explain why you were late for work

Ctrl+c+l+(3) places a limit (3) on the number of lies that your Congressman can tell you in any one ten-minute speech
Ctrl+p+l+(3) places a limit (3) on the number of lies that your President can tell you in any one ten-minute speech
Ctrl+p+l+* creates one-time limit exemption for the State of the Union address

Ctrl+w+p instantly dries soaking wet newspaper

Ctrl+j+m puts “Return To Sender” stamp on all of today’s junk mail

Ctrl+x+c cuts annoying celebrity out of role on television program
Ctrl+v+c pastes favorite cartoon character into that role

Ctrl+a+f makes car run on Sunday’s newspaper ad fliers

Ctrl+g+i reminds of the great idea that you had while driving to work this morning, but had forgotten by the time that you got to your office

Ctrl+Alt+b posts brilliant insights on blog
Ctrl+Alt+(Shift)Del deletes all the stupid stuff
Ctrl+Alt+(Shift)B changes the two sentences that are left after the above operations into bold type


Blogger Glory said...

H!!! This is so, so funny! Good gracious, you had me grinning out loud.

24/10/05 11:00 PM  
Blogger Vest said...

How about VISCOUS, it seems to have stickability.


30/12/05 10:30 PM  

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