On keyboard shortcuts

Keyboard shortcuts, sometime called MouseKeys, were someone’s really good idea.

I use them all the time. I type fairly fast and find that taking my hands off the keyboard to reach for the mouse in mid-thought is an unwelcome interruption. I have memorized the vast majority of the keyboard shortcuts for most of the software that I use.

The most famous keyboard shortcut is the Microsoft three-finger salute (Ctrl+Alt+Del), which is the Windows version of a “Get Out of Jail” card. The cut/copy/paste sequence is a marvel of efficiency. The use of Ctrl+x for cut and Ctrl+c for copy is intuitive and logical. I have never quite figured out the Ctrl+v for paste. I have thought long and hard in an effort to find a word that starts with v that could be a synonym for paste. So far, I have been unsuccessful.

I am such a fan of keyboard shortcuts that I wish that life came with a set of keyboard shortcuts. It would be so great if you could just use a three or four key combination to help you move quickly and efficiently through life’s complicated operations. In just a few minutes, several possible applications came to mind.



Ctrl+x+b+d deletes bad dinner date

Ctrl+b+p silently teleports you away from a group of people with a pile of baby pictures where the words “cute” and “adorable” have been used at least fifteen times within the past fifteen seconds

Ctrl+x+n+p removes today’s newspaper from surface of your desk just before boss comes within visual range of said desk

Ctrl+m+f makes obscene hand gesture at bad driver on expressway
Ctrl+m+(shift)F adds additional unflattering speculation about his mother’s demeanor

Ctrl+u+g cleans the mysterious sticky stuff out of the bottom of cupholders in car

Ctrl+u+h removes guilty sounding stutters from a husband’s protestation of innocence

Ctrl+e+c applies severe electrical shock to any political commentator who uses the words “compassionate” and “conservative” in the same sentence
Ctrl+e+p applies severe electrical shock to any political commentator who uses the words “partisan” and “politics” in the same sentence
Ctrl+e+* applies severe electrical shock to any political commentator just because they’re annoying and they deserve it

Ctrl+v+t+p pastes new toilet paper onto inconveniently empty toilet paper roll

Ctrl+i+c+k inconspicuously feeds creamed corn with tuna casserole to dog under table

Ctrl+m+i+l sends in-laws to the opposite hemisphere of the planet

Ctrl+m+b+2 moves the decimal point two places to the left on any monthly bill
Ctrl+p+c+2 moves the decimal point two places to the right on paycheck

Ctrl+n+l blows leaves back onto neighbor’s unraked lawn

Ctrl+l+b returns overdue library book
Ctrl+Alt+l+b tells the librarian “the only reason that the book was overdue was that it was picked up by recent hurricane force winds and was just recently recovered from a bean field outside of Cleveland”. She buys the story and waives the fine.

Ctrl+m+c smacks teenage son up side of the head for drinking milk directly from the carton

Ctrl+b+h fixes “pillow head” hair

Ctrl+w+c makes cats realize that they don’t really need to be fed by 6 AM on weekends

Ctrl+v+p pastes an extra inch into the waistband and/or seat of any pair of pants
Ctrl+v+p+2 make that two more inches

Ctrl+f+? makes the sounds coming from speaker at fast food drive-thru intelligible

Ctrl+s+t slows car to speed limit just moments before police radar locks on

Ctrl+m+s cleans mud from child’s shoe just before the shoes come in contact with carpet

Ctrl+w+l instantly creates perfect excuse to explain why you were late for work

Ctrl+c+l+(3) places a limit (3) on the number of lies that your Congressman can tell you in any one ten-minute speech
Ctrl+p+l+(3) places a limit (3) on the number of lies that your President can tell you in any one ten-minute speech
Ctrl+p+l+* creates one-time limit exemption for the State of the Union address

Ctrl+w+p instantly dries soaking wet newspaper

Ctrl+j+m puts “Return To Sender” stamp on all of today’s junk mail

Ctrl+x+c cuts annoying celebrity out of role on television program
Ctrl+v+c pastes favorite cartoon character into that role

Ctrl+a+f makes car run on Sunday’s newspaper ad fliers

Ctrl+g+i reminds of the great idea that you had while driving to work this morning, but had forgotten by the time that you got to your office

Ctrl+Alt+b posts brilliant insights on blog
Ctrl+Alt+(Shift)Del deletes all the stupid stuff
Ctrl+Alt+(Shift)B changes the two sentences that are left after the above operations into bold type